Unpredictable
by krissybl
Summary: Many things in this life are predictable. But some things aren't. Severus is missing, Remus is missing him. 4 chapters. Completed. Chapters 3 and 4 are alternate endings
1. Unpredictable

A/N: A short series. Two alternate endings.

Summary: Severus is missing. Remus is missing him

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Unpredictable

There are many things in this life that are predictable. The tides will always break upon the shores. The rain will always come again. Each morning the sun will appear on the horizon, as each and every day this world turns once more. And just as these follow a course, so does the moon. And therefore, so do I. Every month it fades away to almost nothing, only to return. Full, and in control of my life.

And as every full moon approaches so do you. You bring me salvation in liquid form. Not because you wish to, but because you have to. And I accept it because I have to. Like the silver orb, you approach. Appearing before me, controlling my life with what you hold in your grasp. Then you fade away, just as quickly as you had come. But you will return. You always do. Because there are some things in this life that are predictable.

But there are times when life has ways of throwing us off course. There are roses that bloom in the winter. And there are snowstorms in the spring. Sometimes the tides turn to tidal waves and the rain pours on for days.

Yet the moon is always there. The patterns never change. So, neither shall I. And neither shall you. You are bound to the moon, as I am. Or so I thought. But there are some things in this life that are unpredictable. With this new moon there is a new messenger delivering my salvation. I never thought that you would fail to come. Just as I never expected that I would miss you, once you were gone.


	2. The Constant

Chapter 2 - The Constant

Three full moons have passed without you. I don't know where you are or why you haven't come. All I know is that another transformation is quickly approaching, and I find myself in desperate need.

The first full moon that you were absent, I was curious. What could have kept you? Not since you began brewing the potion for me had you ever failed to deliver it. I knew that it was stubborn pride and had nothing to do with any desire to come into contact with me. You just simply didn't trust anyone else with the task. Thus, when a messenger from the Order appeared in your stead, I knew that there was something wrong. Not only with your unexplained absence, but also within myself. I realized, for perhaps the first time since we re-entered each others' worlds, that I had become accustomed to your presence. I even came to rely on it. As a constant in a world that was quickly spiraling out of control. As I handed the goblet back to the messenger I felt a familiar sensation coiling in my chest. But it was an emotion I had never equated with you before. A feeling of emptiness without you there. Even as a wolf I could feel the loneliness. I lay whimpering softly under the glare of the silver moon.

The month passed and my next transformation approached. The day my potion was to arrive I was restless as I had yet to hear word of you. I told myself that if you did not appear, I would owl Albus first thing in the morning to inquire as to your whereabouts, attempting to convince myself that it was only respectful concern for a fellow Order member. And for the second time you failed to arrive. The emptiness intensified. As my spine twisted and my muscles reformed there was a separate, familiar throbbing beneath the pain of transformation. It was too similar to an ache I've had before in my life. James, Lily, Peter, Sirius. It remained as I stared to the moon, as a lonely wolf. And it remained still as I awoke stiff and sore, lying by the window in the morning. I only hoped that you had not received the same fate that had caused this heartache in me all those times before.

When the pain of transformation had receded enough, I owled Albus. I needed to know where you were. And why you had been absent for two months now. His reply was cryptic at best. The only information he gave me was that it was a sensitive matter. A mission for the Order. That he was sorry, but there was nothing else he could tell me. To say that I was angry would have been a vast understatement. I do not know why I was so enraged. It was a common occurrence for secrets to be kept, even within the Order. But all my emotions seemed to be so close to the surface since you disappeared. As these months passed with no word and no sight of you, the aching in my chest only increased. I missed you. I could admit it to myself now. There was no possible way to deny the hollow that had formed within me. I longed for the simple things. The warmth on the stem of the goblet where your hand had just been. The scent of potions and dungeons and of your skin. The flash of obsidian beneath the fringe of coal black hair. I even began to miss the sneers and the sound of your voice, so full of venom. I would not care what you were saying, if only I could hear you say something again.

You were my constant. The one thing that had never changed. Seeing you each month reminded me that the world had not stopped spinning. That the sun and the moon would continue as they always had. When you disappeared I felt as if everything had stopped. But the moon refused to still its progress. It was now time for yet another transformation. This would be the third I had endured without you. My potion delivered yet again by some messenger from the Order. He left in a hurry before I took it. He had other business to attend to. I placed the goblet on the night table by the window. The moonlight filtered in, catching the smoke from the elixir in its wake. Like a spectral image it danced. A ghost of who we used to be. What life was like before all the constants had been removed. For a few moments I thought that maybe I wouldn't take it. I could let the wolf take over. Lose my mind to the beast, for just a night. Perhaps it would help me forget the growing emptiness that I felt. Forget that the world around me was spinning out of control, and that you were not here to prove that it wasn't.

Of course the small rational part of my mind that seemed to still be working, told me that I must take it. To allow myself to surrender to the beast would be admitting defeat. It would show weakness. And you had never allowed for weakness, had you? And so I reached for the goblet. Cold under my fingers, without the lingering warmth of your hand. I swallowed it down as quickly as I could. The taste, a further reminder of you. During my transformation I held vigil by the window yet again. The harsh silver orb hung in the sky as it always had. Mocking me, and my weaknesses. The wolf still felt the emptiness. Felt the loneliness. A sound ripped through the still of the night. A desperate howl filled with sadness and pain. The wolf continued to howl to the moon, as if pleading to the sky. Begging for mercy and an end to the sorrow that it could not understand.

Upon waking the next morning, I made no move to get up from the floor. I had no desire to stand, to live, to breathe. I simply lay there, filthy from lying on the dusty ground. As my mind continued to wake I felt the despair growing again. The emptiness was so great that it threatened to consume me. I wept. The tears running tracks in the dirt. I stayed like this for a long time, hours probably. I had no reason to track the passage of time. What did it matter? These days before and after my transformation were the worst to endure. Though, somehow I managed. If only for the possibility that the next full moon would bring you back. Replace the constant in my life.

And the next moon did come, as it always had and always will. As the day melts into twilight, I wait. I sit still, staring at the door. Any minute there will be someone here to deliver the wolfsbane. In my time waiting the tension in my chest increases. The loneliness pulsing within like a being, threatening to swallow me whole. In my mind there are visions of you. Snarling, angry, bitter. But healthy and here. I struggle to stay in my chair. I am restless. I feel as if I'm drowning. Three full moons have passed since I have seen you. In that time I allowed myself to admit that I need you. I require your constant and predictable presence. The peace of mind it brought to know that some things could not be stopped. The turning of the Earth on its axis, its trips around the sun. The moon, the transformations. You. But something had stopped you. Had kept you from me. And there is the emptiness. I long for you. I miss you like I miss the air when I can not breathe. I am suffocating in this world without you.

And there is the sound of footsteps on the gravel path. A shadow cast on the doorstep. I am holding my breath, prepared to drown in myself if it is not you. A turn of the knob. A creak in the hinges. A sliver of twilight. And a figure on the threshold. . . .


	3. The Pain

Thesr are two alternate endings to this story.

I was torn between angst and happy endings. So I opted to write both.

If you don't like pain and angst and werewolf attacks, I suggest that you do not read "The Pain" (This Chapter)

If you do not like happy endings where things turn out okay, then do not read "The Return"

And if you so choose, read both and pick your favorite.

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Chapter 3a - The Pain

I catch scent of the figure before I can make out the form. Above all is the acrid stench of the vile potion. Underneath is a familiar scent. It is sweet and medicinal. Like sugar, lemons, and menthol lozenges. A scent that I know well, but that is not you. The sadness and loneliness coalesce into anger and fear as the man enters the room.

"Albus, where is Severus?" I can smell the anxiety coming off of him. He has not had this scent since he delivered the news about Lily and James.

"Remus, my boy. Why are you sitting alone in the dark?" With a whispered _Lumos_ and a flick of his wrist there is a fire in the grate. The room is bathed in an orange glow, but it is insufficient to dispel the shadows.

"I believe I asked you a question Albus. Where is Severus?" I'm afraid that I already know the answer but I am praying, to any deity who will listen, that I am wrong. The aged wizard sits across from me at the battered table. He is thinner and paler than he has been in years. The bruise-like circles under his eyes vivid against the pallid complexion. He sets the goblet down between us.

"Why don't you take your wolfsbane, and then we will discuss other matters." His tone is calm, but I can hear the hastened beat of his heart underneath the words. He is nervous. The moon will be high in less than an hour.

"No. We will discuss it now. I will only ask you once more. Where is Severus?" Under normal circumstances I would not be so bold with the headmaster. But these were not normal circumstances. This is the fourth moon since your disappearance. My patience is gone and my emotions too raw. I can not always hold my tongue this close to my transformation. He sighs deeply, and casts his eyes to the table.

"Severus was on a mission for the Order." He stops.

"I didn't ask you what he was doing. I asked you where he was. Why hasn't he returned?" My chest is growing tighter with each breath. There is no way he is going to tell me…

"He has not returned." He stops again. You have not returned. Well that didn't necessarily mean…

"Who is looking for him? When was he last seen? Why have you not brought him back?" My fists were balled on the table top. The ragged dirty fingernails digging bloody crescents into my flesh.

"Remus, please calm down and take your wolfsbane." I slam my fists on the table. The goblet jumps, threatening to tip. This man is not listening to me and all my anxiety is quickly turning into pure rage. I can feel the moon pulling on the beast within me.

"I will not calm down, Albus! Tell me why he has not been found and brought back. Where is he?" I was standing now, the chair tipped over behind me.

"Because there is nothing left to bring back." His eyes are watery and distant. This is not happening.

"NO! You're wrong! Where is he? I will go find him myself if I have to. Albus, please. Tell me that you're wrong." The last words are quiet and strained. The pressure behind my eyes is growing with each second that passes.

"I'm sorry Remus. Severus was discovered as a spy. He was killed." There is pain. The transformation is starting, and my heart is tearing open. My howl rips through the cabin, through the bitter night. I am not yet a wolf, but there are some things that human words can not express. Before the change overtakes me I run for the door. In my haste I push against the table, and hear the goblet hit the floor behind me. The potion spreads through the dirt. It is no matter. It is too late to take it now. Tonight belongs to the beast.

I can hear Albus call out to me. But I am already in the woods. As the tears flow there is so much pain. Pain from running. Pain from transforming. The pain of your absence. An ache that overtakes me. I stumble, and fall to the ground. I can feel my bones shifting, my muscles stretch and reform. The sting of thousands upon thousands of course hairs piercing my skin. I stand again, reformed into the wolf. And I howl now as the beast.

Even as the monster I can feel it. There is no sense to it. Only pain. Emptiness, longing, sorrow. A primal urge to find that which is lost. And I howl now as a creature of the night. All traces of humanity gone from the ancient cry. It is a sound without logic, without reason. It is only what it is. Raw and pure and shattering.

And I run. It is all that there is to do. To run. To dull the aching. Dispel the emptiness. I run through the forest, the wind coursing through my silver coat. A rage building within the chest of the beast. Running. Running to find a cure for the pain. Running to find a victim. Something to focus the anger. To rip, to shred, to kill.

And I continue to run. For seconds, minutes, hours, miles? The wolf and the moon do not care. There is nothing but running, searching, aching. There is a scent of blood in the air. Old blood, dried. But I can still smell it. It is familiar. I smell humans. Living ones. The beast's instinct to hunt, to stalk, takes over. I stop to get a better hint of the scents. They are not far. Prowling through the woods I see a human structure. It is small. Why do those stupid humans have a structure hidden in the trees? This is not there place. They do not belong here.

The wolf advances. To the smell of blood and living flesh. I can hear them. They are speaking in low voices, they are not moving within their hiding place. There is another scent. Almost masked by the others. It is familiar. It causes the ache to return, to build. The beast howls to the moon. Trying to dispel the emptiness and the longing.

They are moving now. One of the vile humans exits his den. He is holding a stick out to the darkness. Stupid humans. This one smells of blood. Of the old blood. And of the scent that causes the pain. The urge to rip, to tear, to kill. This human destroyed what has left the emptiness. Bite, shred, slaughter. The beast knows nothing else. Attack. Muscles burn and the wolf leaps for the throat. There is the tearing, the screaming, the snapping of bones, and the blood. New blood. Fresh blood. Vengeance.

Then there is yelling. More loud, vile humans coming from the den. They have more sticks. There are flashes of light coming from the sticks. More pain. Sharp and new. And still the aching, the longing. Then nothing. Black as a moonless midnight.


	4. The Return

This would be the happy ending version

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Chapter 3b - The Return

I catch scent of the figure before I can make out the form. Above all is the acrid stench of the potion. Underneath is a familiar scent. Of potions and dungeons and of the smoke from the fire. Before my mind has a chance to catch up my body is already moving.

I collide with you and throw my arms around your shoulders. Normally, I would not be so bold. But I felt a weight lifted from me with your return. The world has righted itself, and the constant restored. I expect you to get angry, to push me away. All you do is grit your teeth and take in a sharp breath. And there is another scent.

Blood. Fresh. Not more than a day, two maybe. Your blood. You've been hurt. I can feel a rage take over where the emptiness had been. Until I hear you speak, and I realize that I haven't heard your voice for four months.

"Lupin, would you kindly remove yourself from me. Or would you like me to spill this potion and leave you to tear yourself to shreds?" The words are angry and bitter and oh so beautiful. But there is pain. I come partially to my senses and step back a pace, staying close enough to still feel your warmth.

"Who hurt you?" I keep my voice soft, as if trying not to frighten you. Not that you would be scared of me, but I don't wish to take any chances. Most people flee from the big bad wolf.

"Who do you think, you mangy mutt? Really, it was only a matter of time until they figured me out. I suppose I'm as useless as you now." You sneer at me in your usual way, and oh how I have missed it. You are expecting me to get angry with you. But I am too relieved by your return, and too worried about your health.

"When did you return?" My voice a little bolder now that you haven't run.

"What concern is it of yours? Just take your potion so that I can return to Hogwarts." I only stare at you. I will not take the wolfsbane until my questions are answered.

"All right. If you are going to be stubborn about it." Another icy sneer. "I returned earlier today. Now, take the bloody potion." But I still have more questions for you. And I do not want you to leave yet.

"What did they do to you? Where are they? I will rip them to shreds if I ever get the chance." I speak the last words to myself. I know that you do not take well to being defended.

"It doesn't matter. Will you just take the wolfsbane Lupin? I am quite tired and wish to leave." You do not sound angry, only fatigued. You shove the goblet towards my chest. I take it from you, but do not drink.

"You are still quite hurt. I can smell it. How did you get Poppy to release you?" She is so over-protective you must have had to stun her to get out of the hospital wing.

"I am a grown man Lupin. I think I can handle an over-bearing medi-witch." A smirk. Simply beautiful.

"But why? Why didn't you just send someone else? The messenger who delivered it for the last three moons?" I don't really care why. All I care about is that you are here, but I am still curious.

"Because I didn't. I do not have to answer to you as to my motivations. I am not so ill that I can not make a simple delivery." But I can see that you are not as steady on your feet as you were when you arrived.

"Severus, you should sit." You are eyeing me warily. "Please." And I motion to the cot near the window. You stare at it and I can tell you are seriously considering it. You must really be hurt to think about accepting kindness from me.

"Only because you seem to be taking your sweet time with that potion." You sweep towards the cot, but I can see that you move more hesitantly than normal. Slowly, gingerly, so as not to further any injuries that I can not see. My heart contracts and the rage returns a little. I swear I will kill them all myself if I have to.

"I still don't understand why Albus and Poppy let you come. You are obviously still in need of medical attention." You wince as you sit down.

"As I said, I am a grown man. I make my own decisions."

"Did she at least send you with something for the pain?" You stay silent. There is something you aren't telling me. It's not unusual for you, but I need to know. The longer I can keep you talking the longer you will stay here. I turn the chair from the table and face it towards the bed. This room is so small that we are only a few feet apart.

"Have you taken anything for the pain or for your injuries?"

"Will you stop bloody fussing and take that damn potion?" You sound angry, but your breathing is hitched more with pain than rage. I do not wish to cause you undue stress, so I down the vile brew and hold back a shudder. I place the goblet on the table behind me and turn to face you again. You sigh as if relieved, and attempt to stand. But it is a failed attempt. You fall back to the cot with a wince and a groan. Once again before my brain can process, I am already in motion.

I place my hand behind your head and lift your legs onto the cot. Laying you back gently into the pillows. I expect a struggle, but you do not fight.

"Severus." I whisper, still leaning over you. "Have you even been to hospital yet?" you speak through gritted teeth.

"That is none of your concern." And you try to get up again, only to fall back. My heart is racing. You haven't even had your wounds checked. Stupid fool, why did you come here?

"You are severely injured and lying in my bed. I'd say that makes it my concern." I get up to retrieve some supplies. I can not get you to Hogwarts, and you need medical attention now. I return to your side with several potions and a clean cloth.

"Take this. It is a pain potion that Poppy gave me for mornings after my transformation." I tip the vial towards your lips and you try to resist. But the struggle makes you cringe again in pain, finally you oblige and seem to calm as the potion takes affect. I make a move to unfasten your robes so as to apply a healing salve to whatever wounds you may have. But you grasp my wrist.

"What exactly do you think you are doing beast?" It is an attempt to sound vicious, but you are still in pain. I can see it in your eyes, smell it on your skin.

"I am going to dress your wounds. I can not get you to Hogwarts as I will be transforming in little more than an hour, and you can not get there yourself in this condition. What did they do to you? And why in bloody hell did you not go straight to hospital?" I am angry with you for not taking care of yourself. Though selfishly, I am glad that you did not go to Madame Pomfrey. Another moon without you and I may have gone mad.

"They didn't do any more harm than a pack of third years could have done. They were quite drunk when they got the orders to kill me. A revel to celebrate the murder of a muggleborn and her husband. Their aim wasn't much better than Longbottom's. I am quite capable of taking care of it myself." But you obviously aren't, because you moan in pain when you've finished speaking.

"Severus, please. The moon will be taking affect soon and you need your wounds looked after. Let me help, while I still can." I hold my breath while you appraise me. After several moments you concede defeat.

"All right then, but be quick about it." They must have done more damage than you are willing to admit, because you would never allow me to help you any other way. I move to the clasp on your robe, and carefully undo it. After I slip it off your shoulders I start on the buttons of your shirt. I can see now that there are shiny patches of blood on the black fabric. Gently, I undo all the buttons and move the fabric aside. I have to bite my tongue to hold back the cry.

Your chest is a mess of bruises and gashes. Most of them closed now, but a few are still bleeding slowly. I speak softly to you as I help you pull your arms from the sleeves of your shirt.

"Why did you come here? You should be…" But you cut me off.

"Lupin if you tell me one more time that I should be in the hospital I swear, once I am able to, I will punch you square in the mouth." Even when in pain you manage to be rude. I hold back a chuckle. I have missed you so.

"Yes yes, all right. I will just be quiet then, shall I?" I summon a bowl from the kitchen and pour warm water into it from my wand tip. Then I take the cloth and dip it in the water so that I can clean the blood from your chest.

"Yes that would be a very good idea." Sighing softly as the warm cloth cleanses your skin. You relax a bit more into the bed, even close your eyes. It is difficult for me to concentrate on my task. I can't seem to tear my eyes from your face. You have been gone for so long, and I am still not quite sure that you aren't some kind of hallucination. Some spectral image that I produced to ease the pain of your absence.

I shake myself back to reality and finish cleaning the blood and dirt from you. I then take the healing salve and pour a bit onto my hand. You sigh once again as I start to soothe the abrasions. Your skin is warm under my finger tips, and you smell of blood and sweat and pain. I can feel the moon's pull. The wolf wants to be free. I have to finish quickly before my hands turn to paws. I imagine that would make it quite difficult to apply the salve.

"Turn over so that I may clean your back." I whisper and urge you to turn. As you roll I remove the soiled robes and shirt from under you. I think you have finally admitted defeat, because you don't fight me at all. Once on your stomach I take up the cloth again. A quick cleaning spell and another dip in the water and I start on your back. There are not so many injuries here, but the sight still makes my blood boil. The wolf wants vengeance. I think that he may consider you one of his pack. I can feel the primal anger surge as my transformation comes closer.

Once these wounds are cleaned and dressed I stand to get a blanket. Laying it over you gently I can hear that your breathing is significantly more even. And your heart rate has slowed. The change is close now. Not more than twenty minutes. I take a few more blankets and put them on the floor under the window, and I hear you stir. You try to sit up.

"I have to go. You will change soon." You attempt to stand, but only fall back to the cot. The sedative in the pain potion and your injuries make you weak. I walk over to you and rest my hand on your back.

"No, it's all right. The wolfsbane makes me almost harmless. And if I am not mistaken, I think the wolf considers you a part of his pack. He will not harm you." Even as I try to calm you I can feel your pulse quicken. You are still afraid. Sirius made sure that you would be long ago.

"How can you be so sure?" You sound worried, and I feel as if my heart wants to break. I hate that you are afraid of me. But I try to reassure you anyway.

"Have you ever been a werewolf?" You roll over onto your back to look up at me.

"You know bloody well that I haven't. What kind of inane question is that?" Some of the old venom has returned to your voice. It makes me smile, you will be fine. They did not destroy you.

"Well since you have never been a werewolf, you will just have to trust my expertise on the matter." I smile, trying to comfort you. "You will be safe here. And first thing in the morning we will contact Albus and you will be on your way back to your dungeons. But for tonight, please stay. You need to rest." I can tell that you are torn. Trying to decide between your old fear and the desire to sleep. When you speak again your voice is devoid of all spite. Only a sincere curiosity remains.

"Why does the wolf consider me part of his pack? I am not a beast?" You do not mean to offend me, I can tell. You are only trying to make a point.

"Well I suppose because you have been a part of my life for so long. And for the past several years you have been around close to the time of transformation. The wolf can smell you after you've left. Except for the past few months." I whisper the last words as I remember the emptiness that I felt when you were gone. And I can feel the wolf grow anxious at the memory. I only have about ten minutes left and his presence is insistent.

"Did the wolf really notice the difference?" I look into your eyes. Unreadable as usual. Pure obsidian. Though they seem softer.

"Yes." In a whisper I add, "And so did I." There. I admitted it. You will probably want to leave even more now. The stupid wolf is getting emotional.

"Would you still like to know why I did not go directly to the infirmary?" I have never heard you speak so softly. I am confused, but I nod.

"Because I needed to see you first." Surely you did not just say what I think you said. But before I can speak your hand is at the back of my neck, and you pull me down towards you. When our lips meet I can feel all the pain and emptiness of the past months bleed away. You are so warm. The wolf is anxious for me to take you into my arms. Hold you close, and never let go again. But my mind is still in control and I know that you are injured. I would only hurt you more.

Your hand on my neck pulls me closer against you and I can feel the warmth of your skin through my thin shirt. Your lips part slightly and your tongue brushes across my bottom lip. I moan into you and reciprocate your actions. I know that if I do not stop this soon that you will wind up with a wolf at your side. But I have been lonely for too long. I have missed you so much, and now you are here. You are with me. And I can't seem to break away from you.

I whimper when you pull away. The warmth of your lips slowly fading. But you keep your hand on me and look into my eyes as you whisper.

"We both need to rest. I will be here in the morning."

"Do you swear?" It is a needy question. But right now I don't care.

"Yes, now rest." You pull me down again for a chaste kiss and release me.

"All right." I straighten up and move to the blankets I have prepared by the window. As I remove my robe I look over at you, and you have already closed your eyes.

"I missed you.' It is nothing more than a whisper to your sleeping form.

"I missed you, too. Good night Remus." Or maybe not sleeping. After a moment of shock I realize that you used my given name. I can not help the warmth that spreads throughout me.

"Good night, Severus."

Within moments of settling down I can feel the first signs of the change. It is painful as always. But it is perhaps the easiest transformation I have had in a long time. The wolf emerges and sniffs the air. The familiar scent has returned. The owner is here, in the room. The beast is calm. And there is darkness. Sleep.


End file.
